Scribbles and Bits

This is the first of what I hope will be a series of posts on psychological crisis planning, made at the request of grahamlore. See, considering the inevitable fallout of the pandemic, I decided it was time to remake a new pocket crisis plan for our wallet.



Why Have a Pocket Crisis Plan In Your Wallet/Phone?

Because those are likely the only things you have on you at all times.

Remembering your coping skills in a controlled medical environment doesn't insure remembering outside it. You can hang lists of coping skills on your walls (or make a book of them), but you can't always be home. You can keep your loved ones informed, but you can't always be in their company. Best is something small that you habitually carry at all times--something that's just enough to get you to your books, loves, or doctors.

With the plethora of smartphone apps these days, there surely must be some for this purpose, and by all means, use them. (And recommend them in the comments!) Me, I still swear by the paper in our wallet. It can't run out of battery.

Side-Note: How to Make a Pocket Zine

If you want to make a pocket zine, you can easily make an eight-pager, 14-pager, or 18-pager with nothing but a flat surface, one sheet of paper, and a pair of scissors. Pick whichever suits you! Here are directions and specs:

* 8-pager (easiest, only requires one blank side, but at roughly 3" x 4" may not fit in a wallet)
* 14-pager (hardest, requires two blank sides; about 3" square)
* 18-pager (medium, requires two blank sides; about 1.5" x 2", maybe too small)

I love these simple one-sheeters; you can make them anywhere. I've made them tabling at cons. When I didn't have scissors, I made do by folding, licking the fold, and carefully ripping down the wet seam. (This is not recommended.)

Don't bother making it pretty or fancy. That might encourage you to hang on to it even if it isn't working. You want something you have no compunctions about trashing or changing.

What Should Your Crisis Plan Have?

A pocket crisis guide can't hold much info--you don't want to lug a tome around, and anyway, how much can you absorb when you're batshit? You have to keep it short and simple. In ours is:

* A way to reliably measure how bad shit is
* What to do (and not do)
* Where to go
* Who to call
* What to say/How to ask for help



You may choose to have different things in your pocket crisis guide, but it must be something you at least partially fill out yourself. The point of this pocket guide is YOU helping YOURSELF using stuff YOU know. Nobody knows you and your needs like you do. When sane-ish you is able to hop in a time machine and lend assistance to batshit you, that teaches internal trust, cooperation, and competence. Building that justified confidence in yourselves is godsauce. And if something in the pocket guide stops working (or doesn't work at all), no big deal! You can shred/delete and redo it in maybe fifteen minutes.

If your guide comes from a doctor/spouse/guru handing down wisdom from on high, even if it proves correct, it teaches you that help and sanity are forever located outside of yourself. It doesn't teach you how to help yourself, or that you even can. Instead, it teaches you to defer to outside authority, which only works as long as that authority is available, competent, and benevolent.

Speaking of... why should your batshit self defer to YOU? How do you make a crisis plan you both will follow?

Building Trust

In our Big Crash of 2012, before we carried a crisis plan, our headmate Falcon was the only headmate left lucid, and he was trapped with Batshit LB, who could no longer register emotion or reason properly. The only way he persuaded us not to jump off a bridge was by saying, "You've known me a long time, haven't you? You trust me not to lead you wrong, don't you? I'm telling you it's a bad idea. You should do this instead." Even while batshit, we were able to recall that Falcon was important to us, that his words had weight, even if we no longer remembered why.

Maybe you don't have that when you're batshit, but you have SOMETHING. Find that something. Think: what motivates your batshit self? What does it want? What does it care about? How can you align y'all's goals? You have to take your batshit self seriously, not just dismiss it as a pointless pain out to wreck your life.

Maybe your batshit self still cares very deeply about not making friends sad. Well then, by all means, write in your crisis guide, "I spoke to [insert names here] and burning the house down would indeed make them very sad." Still care about the well-being of your pet? Say, "Ratimaeus needs someone to look after him. [Insert names and phone numbers here] can do that!"

Even seemingly absurd things will work. "[Fictional hero] wants you to eat. You can't [do heroic deed] on an empty stomach." I have an old gallows joke: "I can't kill myself; I haven't read Moby Dick yet," but it's half-serious, because if I die, there will be no more cool books to read. (We have no intention of actually reading Moby Dick.)

Building this trust and respect cannot be rushed. But you can start the process, just by carrying the guide around and referring to it in times of mild or moderate distress, editing as needed. Build that habit, because the more you're used to doing something while sane-ish, the easier it'll be when you're not.

The Measuring Stick: How Bad Is It?

People often don't realize they're bats! When your radar is broken, you have to come up with a scale to measure how bad things are, and it has to be simple enough that you can understand it even when blitzed out of your gourd. A daunting task, yes, but these folks' work might give you a good start:

* Alice Rich's Comparative Pain Scale
* the American Chronic Pain Association's Quality of Life Scale
* Allie Brosch's Pain Scale

Here's mine, if you're curious:



You can communicate this scale in text, colors, drawings, emoticons--8D :D :) :| :( D: D8--whatever gets the message across. I use the 1-10 scale for most daily use, red-yellow-green scale when moderately impaired, and the Five Questions when I'm full-on Bruce Wayne's Basement:



Try to think of what the most salient characteristics are of your crisis state. If you can come up with a simple litmus test that even catastrophically crazy you can get through, you're golden. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone but you: one of my instant "shit's bad" warnings is an inability to think questions. Maybe yours is your mouth tasting like an overspent electrical socket, or inability to stop crying. Whatever it is, it's good to know.

(Sadly, building a litmus test that simple often only comes after a few times getting thrown off the rodeo brain-bronco. Live and learn, hopefully?)

What To Do

Okay, so you've built the trust, made the measure, and can now discover that things are super-bad. Next: what to do about it?

This is probably not something your batshit self will figure out alone. It's got enough problems. Make things easier for it: do the heavy lifting now, while you're sane-ish, and tell it what to do. Here's our little list of coping skills, in decreasing order of how much sanity they require:



Obviously, if we're catastrophically bonkers, making art is totally beyond us, but sitting quietly and watching a movie? Yes, that is doable. Especially if someone else is there to make the selection, so we don't get trapped staring at a shelf of movies with a deer-in-headlights expression.

Here are some other coping skills that you might want to add to yours (or not):

* HALT: make sure you're not hungry, angry, lonely, or tired
* Take a brisk 30-60 minute walk (can deal with stress, independent of stressor)
* Have a good cuddle with a loved one, pet, or stuffed animal (I seriously thought the stuffed animal thing was nonsense, but no, it does help)
* Have a good cry
* Hang out with loved ones
* Read/watch your favorite recharging media (seriously, we have itemized lists of books for specific things like "depression," "family angst," "transgender blues," because we can't remember jack on a bad day)

You also may want to list things to AVOID. You know what this is for you, the coping mechanism equivalent of that shitty ex you keep sleeping with even though you always feel like garbage afterward. Sometimes, if things are truly dire, that really is the best you can do, but hopefully you can find something better from the list above and work through that instead.

Traditionally, we have "DON'T KILL/HURT/STARVE YOURSELF LB" on the first page of our crisis plan, because we need to. Our rule is: we only get to use the "shitty ex" coping mechanisms after we have worked our way through the ENTIRE list of better ones first. So far, we have yet to do so.

Where to Go

The pocket crisis guide presumes you've been caught outdoors, away from home. This means you now need direction on where to go next, so as to prevent wandering around in a daze, stumbling into traffic, or getting into a fight with someone.

Pick three locations. (Ideally, one of them would be "home," but oftentimes, things are not ideal.) These places should be or feel safe, and they should be places where you are unlikely to be bothered or spoken to. We choose library, bookstore, and graveyard because even when we're on the road, we can usually find at least ONE of them without too much looking. All three have social norms to leave people alone, and libraries and graveyards are among the few public places where you can linger for long periods without spending money. A movie theater might also suit this purpose, especially if you need a distraction and don't get overstimulated easily.

Since these hidey-holes feel safe, they can give you time to calm down or let the storm rage through. Worst case, you can park your butt there until you come up with a better game plan or one of your help team can come and get you. Speaking of...



Who To Call

It's best to have at least three people you can call, because one might be sick and another might have their phone unplugged. Depending on your circumstance, they may not need to be physically present, but they DO need to be quick to respond to calls, texts, or in-person queries.

Personality-wise, these should be people who you trust to help (or at least not make shit worse) in a crisis, who know what's going on with you and aren't scared or thrown by it.

Sometimes, the people you're closest to might not be the right folks for this. If you have a friend with huge hang-ups about drugs, maybe don't call them when you're having a bad trip. If your friend has the same crazy as you, they might find it too much to be there as you go through it. Different people can handle different things.

Other times, people will pleasantly surprise you. We once had the embarrassment of a memory chunk coming up while we were out in public with a multiple from out of town. We didn't know them that well, but we told them what was happening and that we needed to sit down somewhere to shake and cry for a few minutes. They said okay and asked if we needed them to do anything. We said no, they could just play a game on the phone or something until we revived. They did so, gave us a hug when it was over, and it transformed an embarrassing experience into a healing one.

This is definitely a conversation you want to have with someone before you put them in your crisis plan. It might be unpleasant or awkward, but it's miles better than having the conversation while unhinged. If they can't handle it, better to know beforehand! And you never know, it might improve your relationship. Intimacy, after all, is shared trust and vulnerability. If you're not sure how to get the ball rolling, here's a script to follow:

Invite the person over for dinner or a walk around the park, something one-on-one that's quiet with few distractions. Tell them, "Hey, so, I'm dealing with [my batshit], and I'm making a crisis plan in case things get really bad. I'd like to put your name and contact info in it." If they ask, give them details about what that might entail--the things you might need, in what way things might get bad, and who else might be in your crisis plan. That way, they can team up, if need be!

If they say yes, hooray! You have a name to add to your crisis plan.

But it's one thing to bring it up in advance, while you're sane-ish. How do you bite the bullet when the batshit hits the fan?

How to Ask For Help

If you're like us and come from an abusive background, maybe you have learned, when you are in crisis, to tell nobody what is happening to you. If your arm gets chopped off, you don't say anything, because that'll get the shit beaten out of you. You just stand there, bleeding, and only if someone goes, "sweet Jesus, what happened to your arm?" do you go, "oh. Yes. Yes, it is gone."

This behavior makes sense in a violent environment. It allows you to gage how dangerous people are--if they will respond to your crisis state with violent rage, indifference, or maybe even assistance. In such a hellhole, you never under any circumstances tell someone what to do, even if it's "put pressure on my stump please," because they will flip their shit. You never give advice, you make no requests, and you never, EVER state how bad things are, for the same reason you don't bleed in the shark tank.

This behavior may save your life if you're surrounded by predators, but it is worse than useless with decent humans.

Decent humans will be alarmed at you bleeding everywhere. Yes, they realize something is terribly wrong, and your (to them, strange) reaction will confuse and frighten them, leaving them uncertain what to do. ("Is this really somehow not so bad? Do they have some plan? Should I be doing something?") This is the LAST thing you want.

Robert Cialdini wrote a book called Influence: Science and Practice, and probably the most mindblowingly helpful thing in it are three paragraphs on page 118-119:

"As a victim you must do more than alert bystanders to your need for emergency assistance; you must also remove their uncertainties about how that assistance should be provided and who should provide it. What would be the most efficient and reliable way to do so?

"Based on the research findings we have seen, my advice would be to isolate one individual from the crowd: Stare, speak, and point directly at that person and no one else: 'You, sir, in the blue jacket, I need help. Call an ambulance.' With that one utterance you would dispel all the uncertainties that might prevent or delay help. With that one statement you will have put the man in the blue jacket in the role of 'rescuer.' He should now understand that emergency aid is needed; he should understand that he, not someone else, is responsible for providing the aid; and, finally, he should understand exactly how to provide it. All the scientific evidence indicates that the result should be quick, effective assistance.

"In general, then, your best strategy when in need or emergency help is to reduce the uncertainties of those around you concerning your condition and their responsibilities. Be as precise as possible about your need for aid. Do not allow bystanders to come to their own conclusions because, especially in a crowd, the principle of social proof and the consequent pluralistic ignorance effect might well cause them to view your situation as a nonemergency."

This applies online as well. Don't just post something on Facebook screaming into the void; nobody will know what to do, how bad it is, and whether they should be the one helping, so they'll freeze up. Instead, go directly to someone, one-on-one. Tell them it's an emergency, what is happening, and what they should do.

Obviously, this is a tall order when you're batshit. Lucky for you, sane-ish you is writing your pocket crisis guide in advance!

How To Make A "Please Help" Script

Try to come up with at least three things a helper can do or get for you when you're losing your shit that will help (or at least not make it worse). Here are some examples:

* Get medications.
* Care for your plants, pets, or children.
* Call in sick for you at work/school.
* Help talk you through what's happening to bring you back down to earth.
* Babysit to make sure you don't jump off the roof.
* Get you admitted to a hospital. (Hint: do your research and pick a hospital or program ahead of time, because even the best helper in the world won't know your needs/tastes/insurance as well as you do. If sane-ish and batshit you have agreed on a hospital in advance, it's way more likely to go smoothly, while if a helper is the one to bring it up, it may feel like they're betraying you.)

Now, use the Cialdini formula to write your script:

* choose a name from your "who to call" list
* say what is happening, and that it's an emergency
* tell them what you need them to do

Examples:

"[NAME], I am hallucinating. It's really bad. I need you to get my pills from the bathroom cabinet, the ones in the blue jar, and bring them to me. I'm at..."

"[NAME], I can't stop crying. I need some help. Can you just keep talking to me, help me calm down?"

From my own crisis guide:



Asking for help might be the hardest, scariest part of the guide. We have the "hide a crisis" survival skill for a reason! Hell, maybe you still need it! But survival skills help you survive; they don't help you thrive, and what saves you in war screws you in peacetime.

I really hope you have good people in your life who can help you. If you don't, I hope you can start looking for some sooner, rather than later. And if neither of those things are possible right now... well, I hope you have a good solid list in your "What To Do" section.